Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
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Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
New favorite tiktok
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward