“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
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If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen