“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
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so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.