You Might Also Like
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Dietest Coke
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.