[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
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I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Do not go gentle into that good night,
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Stonehinge
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.