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everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.