Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
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The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it