Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
wut hotdog?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what