daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
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my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Sign at work today
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena