I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
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My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye