CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.