when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
You Might Also Like
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?