Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
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Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively