I only treason on days ending in y
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Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon