Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
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How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.