Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
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“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
best first i’ve ever seen
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that