Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
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If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
spot the difference
This 4th of July, please remember…
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.