Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
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My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.