drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Schrödinger’s cookie
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.