If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
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I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
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Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.