*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
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My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Haha good job!!
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow