I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
You Might Also Like
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*