Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
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Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right