I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
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[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
🤣😂
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣