Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
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My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
12. I think about this all the damn time
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing