3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
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I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k