My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
You Might Also Like
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!