What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I really had high hopes for this year though
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Lmao
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.