squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
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You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
British websites use biscuits.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.