People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
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Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day