Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
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Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I need this for my side hustle.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?