Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
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the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.