I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
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I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
We like the way Dwight thinks
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.