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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Oh my god
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too