If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
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All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.