The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
“A little help here, Danny?”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
The glockness monster
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something