*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
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EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]