I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
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Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Blew out my flip flop…
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them