Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
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When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Somebody call the cops.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.