Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
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No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Love this one 😂🧟
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Something Saturday.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.