[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
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My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
If you want my opinion ask my wife