If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.