“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
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The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday