I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
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Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Great acting.. 😂
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.