A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
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Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
This is my brand.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first