[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
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My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”