Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Nice try Hitler
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat