wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
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my fav colour is also hitler
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.