Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time