Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
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*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I camp so other people don’t have to.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.